Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

Be who you already are.

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

I was tired of fighting.

What was something inappropriate a member of your family caught you doing?

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

You are like me, then.

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

Maycee Barber still searching for answers after medical emergency, unclear when she can resume career - MMA Fighting

And the sadness?

The sadness was still there.

It’s here now, writing to you.

The International Boxing Association said that Khelif and Lin competing in Paris Olympics were disqualified from the tournament for testing positive for XY chromosomes which give an unfair advantage in the women’s division. What do you think?

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

Scientists Uncovered a 520-Million-Year-Old Fossil with Its Brain and Gut Perfectly Preserved - Indian Defence Review

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

I had run out of hope.

I was tired of trying and failing.

New model helps to figure out which distant planets may host life - Phys.org

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

What stood as a symbol of Hollywood glamor and elegance?

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

Magic Johnson Bluntly Blames Two Players for Knicks' Season-Ending Loss - Sports Illustrated

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

It’s still here.

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

What can help me fall asleep at night?

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

Aurora borealis lights up northern Nevada, Carson City skies - Carson Now

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.